The passage of time

Greetings from Chapel Hill, NC! We’ve been on the road since Thursday and Arden turns 8 weeks tomorrow. This is her first time in another state! In another time zone! Time certainly has flown by — traveling with a baby requires so much more of well, everything. She’s been a very good traveler and continues to delight many with her expressive way of being. The top of her head peeks out of the carrier now — think this means her torso is getting longer! The little birthmark on her head is getting smaller — meaning her head is getting bigger? 🤔 👶🏼 She is now grabbing at things like her wraps and my hair, and often guides / holds the bottle while feeding. It’s really cute 🙂

Here are some pictures and videos from our time in Asheville, and Chapel Hill.

This blog has been a nice forcing function to sit down capture memories as time passes, even if I don’t get the time to curate “the best” pictures and videos, or even write coherently. We’ve had some significant & sombre health-related news on both sides of our family which weighs on our hearts. I feel deeply the desire to be present and grateful for all that is, to prioritize continually expressing love for family and chosen community, and to consciously spend time being loving, thoughtful and kind. It’s not easy when you’re sleep deprived but it seems so important to try hard.

The passage of time has taken on a new dimension — time passing is now also in relation to how old Arden will be. Before, “20 years from now” didn’t mean a whole lot (perhaps hindered by my lack of imagination), and didn’t have a lot of granularity. But now, I can say wow, Arden will possibly be a junior in college (if they decide to go to college…), and I can imagine what that was like for me and how perhaps it was like for my parents.

I am also doing the math frequently — “when Arden is x, I will be y”, and I’ve sat with being an older mother a lot these last few weeks. Tandy has grappled with this more certainly, but I am thinking so far, as with everything, there are pros and cons. The obvious downside is the (limited) amount of energy we have, and how much help we need for this to be an enjoyable experience. On average, we expect to have less time with Arden as they get older. Will I get to see her in her 30s? 40s? 50s? Grandchildren? It’s easy to say well, quality time vs quantity. Sure, but there is some false equivalence there.

“Retirement” is going to look quite different for us too. I see younger parents have a new lease of life in their 50s when their kids leave the nest — that must be fun and freeing at that point 🙂

There are upsides of course — it is great to be self-aware, more mature and confident when being a mom (guess it took me a while to get there…). As an example, I wouldn’t have dealt quite as well with this whole breast milk production issue if I had less self-awareness and the confidence to pursue the path that felt right, regardless of what others might say or think.

[side note: Speaking of breastmilk — it’s coming in more now! Some combination of pumping more, eating more carbs, drinking beer (these are my first alcoholic drinks in over a year!) seems to have made a difference. I’m keeping up with Arden’s increased appetite and am supplementing about 50% now of what she needs. I’m confident I’ll be able to ramp that up some more as time passes. Just need the right boob to wake up some. The size difference between the two is quite significant!!]

I also don’t have gnawing feelings around other things I might be missing out on. I’ve done what I needed to do, had my adventures, gotten my yayas out and this is the adventure for now. It feels right, and easier to be present. Maybe the novelty of a baby hasn’t worn off and the mind-numbing routine of burping and diaper changes hasn’t gotten to me yet… check-in with me in 6 or 24 months… it’d be interesting to see how having Arden impacts my feelings towards my career. We’ll see 🙂

For now — I am full of gratitude, and appreciative that I am on maternity leave. That I get to do the night shift (and sleep in tomorrow) so I can hold her when she wakes and wants to be held and soothed at night. She usually starts to stir around 12-1a and then around 5a-6p. The whole routine takes about 30mins to an hour. Up to an hour and a half if I include pumping. Not too bad. She’s a sweetheart, ❤️😍 and time keeps passing.

Off to DC tomorrow.