I finally feel like half a human being again. I’m here with Tali, nursing. And then Tali just falls asleep in my arms. Motherhood sure is quite something. ❤️
What an intense experience that was (my vocabulary is failing me for a more appropriate and descriptive word…) It wasn’t the 38 hours from water breaking to birth, not even the 28 hours of active labouring. it was when pitocin was administered at about 8 or 9am yesterday. So I’m going to recount the experience here – a useful way to process it!! Pitocin is a contraction inducer and as folks who have had it before know, the contractions are stronger than natural contractions.
And yep, they sure as hell were. I have never felt such physical pain in my life. Earlier contractions I could breathe through, letting out gutteral sounds as I let the pain through my body and relaxed into the pain. Pitocin-induced pain was all-encompassing. The pressure applied to my back was helpful but only did so much. I could barely open my eyes, grabbed the railings of the hospital bed really hard to counter the energy running through me, and instead of relaxing into the pain, I found myself with outstretched legs like someone suffering from a seizure, tensing everything inside my body, and yelling in a higher pitch as I couldn’t bring the relaxation to my body to let the pain pass through. I couldn’t consistently bring on the guttural grunt in the exhale.
In the midst of all of that, I knew I needed a form of pain management. My friends Minnie and Ingrid both warned me about pitocin… so I was ready to have that conversation. Three options on the table were (1) nitrous oxide – commonly known as laughing gas (2) IV pain meds (3) an epidural. I elected to begin with the nitrous oxide. To give you a sense of where my mind was, it was entirely impossible for me to actually focus on the instructions given to me by the new nurse who came to set things up and I told her as much…
If all hell didn’t already break loose before, well it sure did here. The nitros oxide experience was entirely discombobulating. First of all, because I wanted to suck it all in to get pain relief, I found myself focusing on deep inhales, rather than the “slow” exhales which I was doing before as part of pain management. Secondly, because it made me a little loopy, I couldn’t focus on when a contraction was actually going to happen and wanted to keep inhaling the dam thing. And thirdly, while I was able to time some nitros oxide to provide pain relief properly, I was so exhausted that I actually feel asleep for a few seconds and then didn’t prep soon enough for the next contraction, which would hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I tried to get into a rhythm for about 30-45minutes and then I was like ok I’m done, this is not the very tense and unrhythmic birth experience I wanted. Bring on the epidural.
Thank goodness the anaesthesia team arrived quickly and gosh, set up so very quickly. I was administered to (thank goodness) not by the sweet second year resident who had briefed me earlier (who had done an epidural only 5-10 times by his own admission), but by his attending physician. She was amazing, compassionate, laser sharp and executed beautifully. I felt so incredibly lucky that the gap between two contractions when she was putting in the needle seemed a little longer than usual. I had two more very intense contractions in which I had to sit up and have my back bent to her and not move. And I dug my heels and arms into Tandy really hard, who was was sitting in front of me. And then I felt nothing.
The peace brought about by the epidural was such a contrast and heavenly. A cervical exam was performed and lo and behold, I was 8.5cm dilated through my own efforts. So close (10cm is when you can start pushing). Epidurals can slow labor a lot and there is a slight preference for getting thing to around 6-7cm before an epidural. So we were all set. And then I finally slept, on and off for about 4 hours. Pitocin was administered halfway in to continue inducing regular contractions, and like wow, I felt absolutely nothing. So blissful! I mean I couldn’t walk around or anything but by this point, I was so exhausted and ready for some cushy comfort 🙂
By about 5p, I was 9.5cm dilated and we were joking with the midwife and nurses that we needed to get Tali out by 7pm before their shift change so we could experience the joyful arrival together. When Una the midwife opened my labia, she could see Tali’s skull!!! They set up a standing mirror where I could see what was going on, and now I had to figure out how to “push the right thing” without any feeling down there. The first set of three pushes put so much pressure in my head I thought my face was going to explode. 🤯 over time though I was about to find my groove and direct the energy downwards, even though I really couldn’t feel anything. Very soon, I could see Tali’s crowning head, and shoulder and then ploop! Out they were. Apparently there was a high-five on the way out and that caused a tear (two stitches).
Tali did come out a bit purple, so they were rushed to the little open incubator next to my bed to make sure there were alright. Tandy was there the whole time making contact with Tali and within 10min, all was declared well. Una the midwife was working on pulling out the placenta (holy moly it’s huge) and then proceeded to sew me up. I did lose more blood than usual and apparently it all dripped to the ground. I watched with fascination at the gore. Pools of blood and amniotic fluid, what looked like rags covered in blood stuffed inside me to stop the bleeding. And I physically felt nothing. Absolutely surreal.
So, that’s about that. Tali then came to me and now y’all are all caught up 🙂 thank you for sending all your love and congratulations. I’m just reading them now and feeling so grateful for the wonderful love and support we have around the world. We send our love.
I also know folks are anxious for the gender reveal and Tali’s “real” name!! Haha. Soon enough. We’re just spending time with Tali and we’ll write more soon ❤️🎉😍🥰 I hope you enjoy not knowing for a bit, because you will know it for the rest of your lives. 😬🤗
Adventures with Arden 