Author Archives: Li Han

No pun intended, but the doctor literally said it today, Arden is out of the woods!

She weighs 8lbs 3.9oz, and has a bilirubin level of 10.6, down from 11.9. Yaay! It’s really wonderful to be able to settle into this (at least until the next thing comes up…). She measures 52cm, though I’m really suspicious of the consistency of those measurements given how squirmy babies are… So, not a tall baby, but well, that makes sense 👍🏼😂

We had a few days where she was fussing a lot and had plenty of gas coming out both ends with a good amount of spit up. So instead of rotating her on a diet of different donor milk each day, Tandy did some research and decided it was better to have her stick to just one donor’s milk at a time (supplemented by my milk) — the theory being similar to feeding a dog — don’t introduce new foods without phasing it in. And that seemed to have gone well these last two days. I have to remember that Arden is doing many of these things for the first time in her life (breathing air! peeing! pooping! drinking milk! digesting milk in an ever growing stomach!), and it’s going to take a while for her to get used to, and get better at, doing all these things.

I very much appreciate the human body — it’s really an amazing organism. Here are a number of physical changes occurring in the household.

• my belly button outie is back to being an in-ie! I lost 15lbs immediately after birth, and another 5lbs since then. I basically fit into my old clothes (snugly) except the most unforgiving pants.
• I feel like my organs have “dropped” lower in my body
• Arden looking a bit more Asian!
• Arden’s hair is growing darker, but still has one blondish eyebrow
• Arden’s lost her baby smell! (it was wonderful while it lasted 🙂 )
• Arden’s found her fingers / hand to suck on and soothe herself.

My breast milk is still pretty slow in coming in and hasn’t particularly increased (still around half an oz an hour or so). Pumping was making me nauseous and seemed correlate to pain in my breast tissue even when I wasn’t pumping. So for the last few days, I’ve exclusively hand-expressed/massaged into the haakaa (the invention of which is a life-saver). I try to massage my breasts as often as I can to stimulate it, and also to reduce engorgement. This, combined with Arden being a cluster/slow feeder, means I nurse her only about once a day — when I have milk in the boob and when she is “hungry”. I feel a little sad about this when I think about it… it’s the sort of bonding thing that books and images tell you about. But then again, the convenience of feeding her via the bottle is pretty nice, and it’s not like we’re not bonding on other ways (I hold her all the time), so I’m alright with it.

Arden has very much developed an interest in the world. She is awake a lot more, curious, and always looking around with those dark eyes (except when she is fussing with her eyes closed ha). She seems to know what we are saying sometimes and “helps us out” when we make a request to open her mouth or move her arm. She loves to look out of the window, or at the chandelier, and well, has the cutest fingers and toes.

It’s tempting to want to do other things when I’m with her, like read, or write a post, straighten up the house, but I remind myself that these early days are so precious (how have four weeks already passed?!) and that all I need to do (i) is go slow and keep my heart full to heal, (ii) rest as much as I can, (iii) be in community, (iv) stay connected to love and be present in each beautiful (or sleepless) moment.

Having said that, we/I have been doing a bit more, and I feel very blessed to be able to have this experience and lead this life.

Little Arden is safe and healthy and Tandy and I love each other very much and are absolutely enjoying parenthood together. Two of the most valuable insights I’ve had so far are (i) That giving birth and the postpartum experience has for centuries and across cultures been an act of community, tradition and ritual that women are fortunate to have a chance to be a part of — where they are taken care of, held and loved by their community. This isn’t today’s reality for so many unfortunately. I realize I’ve been lucky to experience some of this, but gosh, if I had tuned into this earlier, my entire previous occurring of how difficult and lonely this journey was going to be in these early months and weeks, would have been different; (ii) I feel like I’ve been a terrible friend to all my mother friends as they have gone through birth and recovery!! I see now how people who have been through it before know what to do and how to help, and I really had no idea how best to be of service and support them. Well, I know now!!

Thank you everyone who is following along here and sending us messages of love and encouragement. It means the world to us. ❤️😍🎉

At Arden’s doc appointment on Tuesday, she weighed 7lbs 4.8 oz. and bilirubin measured 11.9. Which is great! Our job is now to help her keep putting on more weight. The next doctor’s appointment for her is in 10days. YAY the biggest time lag in appointments for her since her birth. Happy 3 weeks old Arden!

We did have to go to a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and this time, for me. I am healing decently. I do still walk very slowly, my uterus is still bleeding a bit, but my stitches in my perineal area have almost completely resolved. I do have about two fingers worth of abdominal separation (aka diastasis recti — why my belly moved into a triangle shape when I would use my abdominal muscles to say sit up, and I still have that triangle now!) So in about another three weeks I will start with a pelvic floor therapist. The midwife said it takes about a year for the body to fully heal after birth, and if we want a second child, we should let st least 18 months pass, from birth to birth. Gosh. I can hardly imagine going through all this again, and so soon!!

We also had an opportunity to ask questions about the birth experience – they say it’s good to seek answers around any birth / pregnancy trauma so it doesn’t get in the way of future pregnancies. We didn’t get a whole lot of answers but at least we asked the questions. Arden’s “traumatic birth” was probably a result of simply coming out the birth canal and getting squished. There was also no clear reason why she didn’t cry right away when she was evicted from my body. There was a moment where it looked like her shoulder was in the way, but she adjusted quickly. I only pushed for about 45-50min so it’s unlikely she had severe trauma. As to what they did to get her to cry — possibly they sucked fluid out of her to make sure she could breathe. But all in, Una the midwife said it wasn’t particularly serious and if it were, she wouldn’t have been placed in my chest and would have gone straight to the NICU. There was also a moment when Una stepped away just for a minute and Arden’s forehead suddenly completely exited and the nurse was like “get the midwife! I can’t deliver this baby!” And literally asked me to stop push and put her hand seemingly to prevent the baby from making further progress. Una said this was to prevent tearing of my vagina as you want the baby’s chin to be pointed down as she comes out and well, midwives handle all of that. So again, these weren’t very concrete answers, but well, I think enough for me to close the open questions. Jana did get lots of videos, so well, I’ll get to revisit the experience in due course.

Now that doc appointments have given way to “normal” life, we were able to squeeze in 30min of Netflix last night — so we watched Julie Deply’s “On the Verge”, a honest look at how our culture has forgotten middle-aged women. Funny. Well sadly funny.

I’ve squeezed in very small and slow walks in a local park or two — like Centennial Park. It’s kindda crazy to see a live sized Parthenon in the middle of Nashville, but here it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve also had a chance to drop in on some phone calls related to social justice at my church (we are advocating for an amendment to the 13th amendment — slavery and indentured servitude are still legal in this country if folks are being punished for a crime, giving rise to the massive exploitation of prisoners in the prison industrial complex), and also regarding Dynaoptics (omg the company is still alive and has a handful of R&D contracts, amazing, but ok can we sell the company now please). Don’t think my brain and energy levels are all up to snuff, but I realise all these things help my sanity in what can be a very overwhelming transition.

It’s been important for me to realise that much as I love Arden, that if I don’t have time away from caring for her and doing non-household chores, that I can go bat-shit crazy. Apparently 75% of all pregnant women get postpartum depression. When I do long shifts of caring for Arden, without doing things other than household chores, I’ve definitely noticed I get a little glum. Here is the survey they make me fill in at each of Arden’s and my doctor’s visits. It makes me a bit depressed just asking myself these not very nuanced questions over and over again. Sure I have cried! And yes sometimes I’m too exhausted to look forward with enjoyment to things! But generally, I’ve been blessed with a healthy mental constitution so I’m doing pretty well all things considered.

Tandy and I have settled on 4 6-hour shifts. 8a-2p, 2p-8p, 8p-2am, 2a-8a. Easy enough! I went for a walk with Ouisie this morning after my shift and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air 🙂🐶. Soon maybe we will have the energy and be brave enough to do fun things with Arden, beyond neighbourhood walks and doctor’s appointments. Off to take a nap now. 😴

My wife is a badass.

Arden had a really tough night Friday night. Lots of gas, spit up and according to Aaliyah, was generally uncomfortable and up most of the night. She was on formula, and the next day, started developing a rash on her right eye.

That’s when Tandy sprung into action and was basically unstoppable. All day Saturday, she plugged into all her networks, including groups we are new to on Facebook, and put the call out into the world for donated breast milk. After what must have been hundreds of text messages and communications, we started hearing back from moms as far away as Iowa and Georgia, ready to help Arden by pumping. But we needed an immediate solution — we just simply couldn’t imagine Arden going through another horrid night, eating something we knew didn’t sit right with her. And then… milk-pot!

As it turns out, Sat was Sept 11th, and Daina decided she wanted to do a good deed to commemorate that fateful day. Since her family was going to be moving in November, she decided to give her stash of breast milk away, and connected with her lactation consultant (LC) to see if anyone needed help. PERFECT TIMING! Her LC happened to see our post, our families vetted each other, and boom, Tandy arrived home victorious at the end of the day with enough breast milk to last us a week or two.

Arden was on breast milk all day today, and already, her rash is a little less angry. She did sleep most of the day today and probably hasn’t eaten enough, but it feels like she is needing to recover a bit.

We will see how it goes. Arden sees the doc again on Tuesday.

I have so much gratitude to be on this journey with Tandy, with someone so committed, so loving and so powerful in such complementary ways. As Leah pointed out tonight, we are both on paths that we would not be on, if not for the other. Not only is that a sign of the love and trust in our relationship, it is also an opportunity for growth and healing neither of us might have known. Amen to that!

Arden’s bilirubin reading on Tuesday came back at 13.9. Yay! This means that while the whites of her eyes are still a little yellow, that her little body is doing all the right things to clear up the bilirubin through peeing and pooping regularly. Today’s appointment though had her weighing 3 oz less than Tuesday, which is strange. So, we need to continue to focus on upping her milk consumption.

I am still not producing enough milk though. Regular pumping has gotten me up to about half the required amount, but we are still needing to supplement approximately half an ounce each hour with something else. Certainly, there is formula, but we have also been the generous recipients of donated breast milk from these two mothers we recently got to know. I did have many questions go through my mind when feeding Arden breast milk from someone else’s boob. What do these moms eat? Are they on medication? I think perhaps my limited experience and exposure to this topic brought on initial discomfort. But after some research, learning about the topic — a vital tradition that has been lost through generations, and comparing its downsides to the downsides of formula, it seems like the right thing to do.

So we have started an application to a breast milk bank to see if we can be regular recipients of breast milk, even if it is pasteurised. Even the very conventional doctors we currently see support this and will be writing a letter to the bank to this effect. Fingers crossed we get something to work!! I feel lucky I am not feeling any guilt I read many moms have around not producing enough. Thank goodness for zen training! It is what it is. We are doing all we can through teas and supplements (and pumping) to try and get the milk in. Wish us luck!! ❤️🎉

From a dear friend:

“Do not misunderestimate the cunning of the baby which is likely currently lulling you both into a false sense of ease. Sleeps a lot, doesn’t cause too much bother, then…. they wake up after a couple weeks and it’s game on…… 

My best next advice- after the rags- is don’t overthink it. Whatever you’re doing will be just fine. And, take care
of yourselves. 

And, finally, the secret marriage saver- rock - paper- scissors, in the middle of the night to decide who’s going in to feed, comfort or change the diaper. Usually, you will have a prior  understanding who’s on call. But sometimes you are just too knackered or irritated to step into the breech at which point you can invoke the Rock Paper Scissors - best two out of three- loser does the duty- no questions - no complaints- no do overs. Love to all three of you. ( looks like you got a decent swaddling game going, not professional level, but decent😀.”

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Posted with permission, and sent with love from our dear friend Geoffrey Gordon-Creed. 😅 Keep ‘em coming! We are heading to the doctor later today to check bilirubin levels — it was still high at 18.8 on Friday but since weight and bowel movements were trending in the right direction, docs decided to check in after Labor Day weekend. Fingers crossed!!

Tandy and I have survived the last few nights on our own! It takes a bit of discipline and planning — aggressively resting when we are off-shift, and treating the shift like a real job one must have energy for! We are developing our intuition in relation to the little one, sharing tips and tricks that have worked on our shifts, and there have been less episodes of inconsolable crying. I know things will change just as we get the hang of things, but hey, I’ll take the little victories. We even went for a very slow walk around the block today with Ouisie!

I’ve also had some time to read about post-partum healing. Very interesting so far and some thoughts on that to come.

Be sure to check out the new “gallery” we put up with photos and videos! I hope y’all (grandparents especially..) enjoy!

I consider myself decent at “being with,” or “being present” with people (especially when I have slept and am not under duress 😬) — that is: calmly being with their energy, intuiting what or who I want to be in the moment to have the most positive, connected experience coming out of that interaction.

Soothing screaming babies at night is a whole other deal. It’s easy to have the TPM (technical program manager) in me go through the checklist — fed? dirty diaper? burped? need some soothing movement or sounds? But when you’ve gone though the checklist and nothing works, then what?

That’s where Jedi-level baby whispering comes in. I had one of those inconsolable Arden moments last night on my shift, and the screaming was loud and long enough for Tandy to come downstairs and check on us. within minutes, Tandy got her in a position she was comfortable in, talked to her and held her (or sometimes not stroking her purposely) and fed her in a way that soothed little Arden, and all was well in the world again. I am so grateful for Tandy and her mad skillz! Watching her be with our baby was indescribably delightful — I am so in love them both 😍

Feeding guidance is 2-3 oz in 2-3 hours. Arden drinks maybe an oz in an hour, every few hours. So from 1230a to 8:15a today, she had a total only of about 2.5oz. That’s not a lot!! But she did have a big poop, and then two little ones after. We go into the doctor today to suss out her bilirubin levels. A reading of 20 requires hospitalisation and Arden got up to 18.5. Hopefully, our outdoor sun efforts, together with trying to get as much food in her as possible, will lead to much lower readings today.

And thank goodness for friends who come by at unearthly hours to do what seems like unreasonable things for us! Ingrid took the 630a-9a shift. As a mother of 3, and associate dean at Vanderbilt Law school, the INCREDIBLE kindness and generosity she has shown us is mind-blowing. She’s like the world’s most expensive and overqualified doula 😬 We love you Ingrid! Thank you so much.

For the first time since Arden’s birth, I feel finally able to rest deeply into the pleasure and joy of our little baby.

Being able to take a shower in my own home on Sunday was a good start (the “family room” we were put at the hospital the last night had no windows…). I was so glad to be sprung free!!

Having said that, we have been in and out of medical facilities every single day since then because of Arden’s elevated bilirubin levels, my body’s inability to produce enough milk, the somewhat significant bruising she had on her way out, and her being half-Asian…if jaundice continued, she might have been at risk of developmental issues. The two poops today really mark the turning point of this issue (we hope) and the relief is absolutely palpable.

The three most challenging parts of this week has been the incredible exhaustion, pain in the nether regions as I sit up to feed, and Arden not getting enough food to flush the bilirubin out of her system. All this while navigating doctor appointments / moving around etc. There has definitely been some overwhelm, but we are so lucky to have been held by Jana (who was here the whole week with us keeping us and the house sane) and Ingrid, who has come by the hospital and house with all kinds of food and help). It ALWAYS takes a village and we are so grateful that Arden will grow up to know these powerful and incredible women, who already love her.

We have also been blessed to have some help from Aaliyah, a post-partum doula who has supported us two nights now, through the toughest nighttime feeding regime. She is a gentle, experienced, healer with culinary training and we are so fortunate to have her support a few nights a week. From 9p to 7a, she takes care of Arden’s needs, brings her to me for feeds, and between feeds supports our home with some light housework and cooking. She is a godsend.

Speaking of cooking, Tandy has really taken on providing me with healing brews under the tutelage of my cousin Fiona. ah the familiar smells and tastes Gogi berries, red dates, dang gui etc. Thank you so much Fiona!!! (And Tandy for taking care of me of course).

It’s been a very peaceful day. Arden sleeps through the day and it was at first very worrying that she wasn’t eating enough, then very challenging at night because she stays up a lot of the night fussing. We will see what happens today. Here is what it is like trying to rouse her to feed (wasn’t very successful) Apparently A lot of babies are much more active at night then during the day like they are (and Tali was) in-utero.

I will spare you photos of the indignities of motherhood, like having to wear breast pumps around the house. Sending love to everyone ❤️❤️

I had jaundice too. Apparently Tali was screaming like a wounded hyena and so got kicked out of the nursery 😂 back in the room with us now and just chilling.

They have had two massive merconium dumps in the diaper. How in the world does something so small make so much poop? I swear Tali poops more than Ouisie right now.

Enough said. Tali has superhuman suction coming out of that little mouth so it’s nipple cream all the way. I’m grateful it seems they are latching and feeding well. Two massive black blowout poops. I had no idea babies did that so early on.

Tali also has jaundice (as did I when I was born). So 12 hours under a little blue light. I hope they enjoy the suntan. I’m heading to bed. I was looking forward to being home and regaining the other half of me… there are waaay too many interruptions from a stream of attentive medical staff and administrators to have this be peaceful… but then again it’s nice to have access to a nursery where we left Tali there for a few hours tonight and got some sleep.

We have settled on a name and Tandy will write from home 🙂 ❤️❤️ last opportunity to place your bets on gender! 😅