Author Archives: Li Han

Hello world!!

Of course I haven’t written in about 3 months. That last blog post felt like a whole other lifetime ago. We have so much to report, and will start with the highlights:

• Arden scooted up the stairs to the second floor today! She is hyper-mobile and we’ve been child-proofing the house in a hurry.
• She’s started eating solid foods. With a Singaporean mom, and another mom who used to work at a James Beard restaurant, it is no wonder she is a good eater 🙂
• We took a trip to Madison to visit family. Arden met her cousins and had a blast!
• We don’t have any consistent help yet. Tandy is amazing 😍❤️
• I have been back at work three months now, and just completed 3 years at Zoox!

As is probably apparent from these photos, I think I can safely say we are enjoying motherhood! We are very fortunate Arden is healthy and a relatively easy baby with reasonable demands. She is serene, curious and very busy exploring the world. Day to day, it’s a delight to re-experience the world through her eyes and see her discover new skills that she so proudly shows off.

At a more meta level, being a mother has added a layer of richness to many existing relationships in my life, especially with my mom. Arden allows us to relate to each other in a new way and allows us to inhabit new roles in our lives, and relate to each other in those new roles (mother / grandmother vs mother/daughter. )

Being a mother has also made me deeply aware of this community called “mothers” that spans centuries (past and future), and that is imbued with wisdom, love, tradition and mutual caretaking. It is a community we are now a part of.

Gratitude on all all all levels. I am sitting now in the Chicago airport, coming home from my second work trip to the Bay Area. My heart is full from being with my friends and colleagues who I love and feel so connected to. And i am so looking forward to being reunited with my family. How lucky I am.

Indeed we survived. I feel so incredibly lucky. Not only did I LOVE maternity leave, I enjoyed my first week of being back at work too. It was lovely to see everyone, and I didn’t feel particularly “behind”. In fact, due to the long holidays and folks being out sick, I felt decently energetic and organised compared to everyone else 😬.

And yes enjoying work of course is only possible also because we have help — we would not survive otherwise. We were very lucky to find a COVID-conscious and experienced nanny, Theresa, to support us 5 hours a day. Arden was very serene and happy with her this week and it was very assuring. Though it snowed a ton Thursday and Friday, and Theresa was snowed in and couldn’t come! Even then we survived, and Arden joined a meeting or two ❤️

Working from home has been a godsend. I can only imagine HOW MUCH HARDER IT IS for folks who have to go into the office. The commute. The pumping between meetings. No mid-day cuddles. Baby care arrangements falling through. Getting dressed for work in easy to pump clothes. Well, having to get a new work / pump wardrobe now that I am 7lbs over my normal weight. Gosh. The list is pretty long. And then of course there is not sleeping through the night so any extra time doing something else is time not sleeping… we have decided not to start sleep training Arden yet. It’s a longer story but for now, we are going to be baby-led. Ask me next week 😬😆😵‍💫

Even with work, I still feel decently present for many of Arden’s developments, though I suspect this is mostly because Tandy captures so many awesome videos and pictures of her throughout the day. Videos seem to render funny here, so head to the Arden gallery for videos. Photos of the week below.

Going to bed now. I should make it a habit sleep more when Arden is sleeping!

2021 was certainly a year to remember. We have so much to be grateful for — a healthy baby, loving family and friends who rallied around our new family unit, and relative physical, emotional and financial safety in a world that seems to be increasingly going bonkers. These four months of maternity leave, luxurious by US standards, have provided me with much space to experience life anew. One minute I am “nap-trapped” under a sleeping baby watching her sleep. The next moment I am reading about (and experiencing) climate change, learning of another shooting, or watching a movie where children are being ill-treated, and my thoughts immediately jump to Arden and the world she will be inheriting. Other times we are creating community with mothers who are still generously donating breast milk to us — we have some coming all the way from the bay area and Seattle. In another moment we read about sleep training and work out baby care options when I return to work (yay we have a nanny!). Then I’m back to watching the little one roll around (yes she can now roll back to front and front to back!!) or jump around in her jumperoo. All is to say our lives revolve around all facets of this tiny little being — no surprise. 🙂 makes me wonder about if u how I spent my time before Arden!!

You’ll see below snippets from the run up to 2022, and a few photos from when my family visited (I LOVE MY FAMILY!). I also post photos and videos on a semi-regular basis in the Arden Gallery.

I go back to work tomorrow with some grief that this very special time is over, and with much joy and excitement at seeing my colleagues again. I do really like them 🙂 My 2022 resolution? To bring as much wisdom and calm that I can to each moment, regardless of how much screaming is going on, how many things I have to juggle, or how little sleep I’ve had. I will also endeavour to always take action mindfully and correlate with what I’m committed to. And what am I committed to? It’s always hard to articulate these things, but (as a first pass!) I’m committed to being a part of a loving and vibrant, family, community and team at work, where I am showing up powerfully, lovingly, authentically and vulnerably. Seems highly aspirational, but worth a shot 🙂

Best wishes in 2022 from our household to yours. May it bring you and your loved ones much joy, good health, and many adventures to remember.

That’s all for now. It’s past midnight, and yes, I have to go to work tomorrow. But I go to bed smiling and with my heart full. Life is good. 🙂

How time flies! So much has gone on since the last time we wrote.

Milk production continues to be a challenge. Firstly, pumping 8 times a day is only possible if one stays home all day and does nothing else. Secondly, feeling bad during pumping is actually a thing (D-MER — Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex). Wow. Yup. I, like many others, do feel that my life juice is being sucked out of me after I’m done pumping and it doesn’t feel great. Secondly, I’ve tried all manner of supplements etc and seriously, the only thing that seems to consistently bring in milk is very dark beer. We tried non-alcoholic beer and could only find amber ales and that didn’t work. So I checked in with the doc she confirmed a standard beer a day is fine, as along as I pump 2 hours after the drink. So we went out and got some dark porters and yup, volume went up. Thing is, I haven’t had beer in so long it is making me feel bloated and sluggish. Anyhoo. Long story short, we’ve decided not to stress it — we will commit to 6 pumps a day. No beer if it makes me feel icky. I had a chat with Arden and told her how it was going to be. She seemed ok with it. 😬

On the nursing front, the lactation consultants recommended I focused on one thing at a time, and offer the boob as an option in a low stakes kind of way. What this means is I try to offer the boob during skin to skin time, but don’t get much action outside of that. Such is life. We have decided not to stress it, will go as long as we can on donated breast milk and try to hit the six month mark when solids can be introduced. If we don’t make it, well then formula it will have to be. Happy mamas happy baby.

I am aware that Tandy’s experience of being a mom is quite different my journey. We spend much less time together compared to before, and check-ins are limited in depth by time, all that has to get done, and energy levels. We are lucky — good communication and love (and what I think has been a fairly easy baby) has been what has kept things from going absolutely sideways and we are doing decently. I am very grateful that Tandy loves on Arden and I the way she does, and holds us both when we need holding. ❤️❤️ I’m certain we will continue to optimise “the way we do this” — like hey a novel idea we should not just schedule Arden time and alone time, what about couple time?! We are working though what our care model will look like when I return to work in January and we have our fingers crossed that things will work out well.

For now, family is coming in a few days, prep is almost done, and we are super excited!! 🎉😍❤️

It’s a tradition in this household to acknowledge the anniversary of our partnership on a monthly basis (Tandy and I have been together one hundred and fourteen months!). So it’s no surprise that we similarly acknowledged Arden’s two month birthday. She had her doc appointment yesterday and is doing well, weighing in at 4.87kg (10 lbs 12 oz). She is 55cm long and has a head circumference of 39.5cm. That equates to being 33 percentile for weight. 14 percentile for length. And 84 percentile for head circumference…. That means she is short and chubby has a big head. Sounds about right!! 😆. Before I share about the DC leg of the trip, here is her first big milestone upon coming home. WAH!

It’s been incredible that the trip went as smoothly as it did, and I am clear that would not have happened if not for some really amazing friends and family that offered to host us, hold the baby when we needed the load the car, or take a shower. All these amazing mamas KNOW what it is like “in the trenches” and literally insist on helping because they know we are too shy to ask for help. I’m talking about you Syd and Amy and Angela. THANK YOU SO MUCH. And to everyone who has showered little baby Arden with lovely gifts — the outpouring of love and support for this phase in our lives has been truly heart-warming —thank you.

I have two more months of maternity leave left, and I have some projects set out for myself. The first is getting my milk production up so that I am feeding Arden 100%. The second is getting her to nurse at least some of the time. The third is getting all my doc appts in place (pelvic floor therapist, lactation consultant, chiropractor? acupuncturist? — thank gawd for Tandy who will help with this). The fourth is getting ready for my family to descend upon us over thanksgiving through mid Dec! I am so excited to be with them and for everyone to meet Arden.

And as I wrap my mind around all these projects, I am infuriated at the public policy priorities that AGAIN, undervalue the enormous amount of healing and care-giving that needs to be done when a child is born — the bulk of which is shouldered by women. And completely livid that this was in essence blocked by a single male senator. Sadly, no surprise given powerful folks like Elon Musk have the perspective they do on what fathers do. Paid family leave IS NOT a job perk. It is a foundational requirement for a healthy society and workforce. I am grateful to be one of 20% who enjoy paid family leave, and it is the lack of federal support for programs like these that contribute to significant inequalities in our world. Yes, we are making great strides in many other areas with this bill (climate change! early childhood education! child care!) but it still isn’t enough, and we all must keep advocating for greater support.

Greetings from Chapel Hill, NC! We’ve been on the road since Thursday and Arden turns 8 weeks tomorrow. This is her first time in another state! In another time zone! Time certainly has flown by — traveling with a baby requires so much more of well, everything. She’s been a very good traveler and continues to delight many with her expressive way of being. The top of her head peeks out of the carrier now — think this means her torso is getting longer! The little birthmark on her head is getting smaller — meaning her head is getting bigger? 🤔 👶🏼 She is now grabbing at things like her wraps and my hair, and often guides / holds the bottle while feeding. It’s really cute 🙂

Here are some pictures and videos from our time in Asheville, and Chapel Hill.

This blog has been a nice forcing function to sit down capture memories as time passes, even if I don’t get the time to curate “the best” pictures and videos, or even write coherently. We’ve had some significant & sombre health-related news on both sides of our family which weighs on our hearts. I feel deeply the desire to be present and grateful for all that is, to prioritize continually expressing love for family and chosen community, and to consciously spend time being loving, thoughtful and kind. It’s not easy when you’re sleep deprived but it seems so important to try hard.

The passage of time has taken on a new dimension — time passing is now also in relation to how old Arden will be. Before, “20 years from now” didn’t mean a whole lot (perhaps hindered by my lack of imagination), and didn’t have a lot of granularity. But now, I can say wow, Arden will possibly be a junior in college (if they decide to go to college…), and I can imagine what that was like for me and how perhaps it was like for my parents.

I am also doing the math frequently — “when Arden is x, I will be y”, and I’ve sat with being an older mother a lot these last few weeks. Tandy has grappled with this more certainly, but I am thinking so far, as with everything, there are pros and cons. The obvious downside is the (limited) amount of energy we have, and how much help we need for this to be an enjoyable experience. On average, we expect to have less time with Arden as they get older. Will I get to see her in her 30s? 40s? 50s? Grandchildren? It’s easy to say well, quality time vs quantity. Sure, but there is some false equivalence there.

“Retirement” is going to look quite different for us too. I see younger parents have a new lease of life in their 50s when their kids leave the nest — that must be fun and freeing at that point 🙂

There are upsides of course — it is great to be self-aware, more mature and confident when being a mom (guess it took me a while to get there…). As an example, I wouldn’t have dealt quite as well with this whole breast milk production issue if I had less self-awareness and the confidence to pursue the path that felt right, regardless of what others might say or think.

[side note: Speaking of breastmilk — it’s coming in more now! Some combination of pumping more, eating more carbs, drinking beer (these are my first alcoholic drinks in over a year!) seems to have made a difference. I’m keeping up with Arden’s increased appetite and am supplementing about 50% now of what she needs. I’m confident I’ll be able to ramp that up some more as time passes. Just need the right boob to wake up some. The size difference between the two is quite significant!!]

I also don’t have gnawing feelings around other things I might be missing out on. I’ve done what I needed to do, had my adventures, gotten my yayas out and this is the adventure for now. It feels right, and easier to be present. Maybe the novelty of a baby hasn’t worn off and the mind-numbing routine of burping and diaper changes hasn’t gotten to me yet… check-in with me in 6 or 24 months… it’d be interesting to see how having Arden impacts my feelings towards my career. We’ll see 🙂

For now — I am full of gratitude, and appreciative that I am on maternity leave. That I get to do the night shift (and sleep in tomorrow) so I can hold her when she wakes and wants to be held and soothed at night. She usually starts to stir around 12-1a and then around 5a-6p. The whole routine takes about 30mins to an hour. Up to an hour and a half if I include pumping. Not too bad. She’s a sweetheart, ❤️😍 and time keeps passing.

Off to DC tomorrow.

6 weeks postpartum is often seen as a milestone of sorts. My doctors announced on Thursday that I was cleared to go back to exercising as normal. I was like, yay! But then after that, I was like wait, things have to go back to normal? THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT NOW HAVING A CHILD IN YOUR LIFE!! And so the “balancing” begins… how do new moms go about creating a new life that works for them? Especially when sleep schedules and hormones are still in flux? Obviously I have no idea, but as with everything, I guess mindfulness, trial and error, reading/watching YouTube videos and talking to other parents will provide the answer to all. I’ll come back to me. I imagine everyone is more interested in how Arden is doing 😬

The little pumpkin is now about 10lbs! I can’t imagine some babies come out of the womb this big 😱 She is generally doing well — a happy curious baby that is smiling more and who is vocal with her needs. Right at this moment I am in the nursery with her listening to all kinds of “struggling” noises. I’m learning to intuit which noises mean “come attend to me before I full on scream” vs “I’m just talking to myself you can leave me alone and I’ll be fine.” Seems like a fun game but with high stakes ha.

So often the portrayal of parenthood is the struggle (which is real of course) or the upside images of things they do that are funny or poignant. I’ve found so far that a mom’s internal experience is less discussed — it’s hard to put into words, and even less so when you are sleep deprived. Brandi Carlile does a dam fine job in “The Mother”, which I rewatched for the first time tonight since giving birth, and yeah, it feels different. It feels… deeper and well, ineffable. My experience has been like, like, kneading dough, your fingers searching out those little balls of flour that haven’t yet assimilated into the mixture. It is little eureka moments of emotion or concepts that didn’t previously exist — like for the first time, a few days ago, I said out loud to Arden, “I love you”. That felt profound. Even the concept of “daughter” or “child” which till now has been purely biological in my mind, is beginning to take on a new emotional texture. I’m not being particular coherent, so I’m going to go back to posting lots of pictures 😬

If you are so inclined to share with me your internal experience as a parent, or if you have any books/resources on this topic to recommend, I’d be most appreciative! ❤️

The last few days have been a blur. It might have been a little ambitious to do as much as we had planned these last few days, but it’s been memorable and a lot of fun (for me at least 😬😍). Arden is generally doing well — she seems to be sleeping and eating fairly regularly (waking herself up every 1-3 hours to feed) and so I’ve started to put her down after she falls asleep, even if I end up running back in 5mins when she stirs. We tested the binkie but she wasn’t having any of it. We did have occasion to use the little suction bulb and out came some boogers successfully!

To prepare for our trips, we got some extra storage on Otto (the car). Thank goodness they had the exact model I wanted at REI!! A tub on Otto’s roof just wouldn’t have worked.

This trip didn’t seem like much at all but I was completely spent on Friday and spent most of it sleeping, even though Aaliyah came and supported us Thursday night. She cooked THE MOST AMAZING beef short ribs overnight (did we mention she had culinary training?!) and most of it was gone before dinner. 🤤 I will restrain myself next time and take a picture for y’all before I dig in (at breakfast…)

Today has mostly been about getting packed up for this three-night trip to the Smokies. I swear at least half of the things in the car are Arden-related…

Ok off to bed. Can’t wait to be in the woods tomorrow. The night sky is full of stars and the air, very crisp.

Maternity leave is a wonderful thing, especially once mom heals up a bit and you get into the swing of things with baby care. I’m still taking things pretty slowly but am beginning to try new things with Arden. I’m so grateful for the time, energy and emotional and mental space to do these things!

We are gearing up for a road trip to DC (normally a 10 hour drive) so Arden can meet her grandparents. Each of these little local trips has broadened a little more of what we do with Arden and increased our comfort level. Step by step!

As I spend my days adventuring with the little one, I think to myself, what am I going to do when I have to go back to work? 😱 how will I be able to fully enjoy the journey with this child?! This will be a question I get to dwell in in the coming months, and possibly for years to come.

In the meantime, I know how lucky I am to have this time with her and am so grateful — I know many in America are not as fortunate as I am (can read about the issues here). It’s such a rich time and gosh the month has just flown by. Every one with kids tells me — enjoy every moment because before you know it they will be 18 and leave the nest. I get it…!

Arden turned four weeks old yesterday!! And Tandy and I celebrated being our 113th month anniversary!! ‘Twas a big day 🤗. To commemorate the special occasions, we decided to go to our local library and get Arden her library card! It was such a fun outing. Here are the three books we came back with.

This little kiddo is now eating very well, and it really feels like she is eating all the time. She refuses to be left alone for more than a few minutes when she is not eating, but since she’s so cute I am not minding having her in my arms all day.

Here is to many more little celebrations together. I am very grateful for everyone who has helped us get here, and who helped us not just survive, but dare I say, thrive. Our families and friends loved on us by generously giving their words of encouragement, time and resources, and also passed down all their wisdom and used baby things that I never knew I needed. Neighbours and people I’ve never met from church dropped off food as part of a meal train. Medical providers have been gentle and meticulous in their care, and often spend more than 30mins with us at each visit (unheard of). And most excitingly, I feel like we are discovering a tribe of mothers (including friends who are mothers who I feel I understand more deeply now) who have been so encouraging of our journey, and who have also provided community, support and breast milk (!).

Tandy and I recently watched a video of Arden coming out of my body. Wow. That is literally all I can say about that right now. Ping us if you want to see it.